Today was a bit better in the office.
Still stressed because of all the unknown things. Still irritated with the feeling of being helpless.
Sometimes I just stare at my work. If I'm lucky, I'll understand it eventually.. but if not, then no choice but to ask. Ask and be given an answer which evokes more questions that I could not ask. Why? because everyone's too occupied. If I ask at the wrong time, and I'm given an answer and I don't get it, then it would be difficult to ask it again next time.. because by then, I would be told 'You've asked that before'. Being an egoistic person, I could not take that.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
This Awful Feeling
Tomorrow is Monday, and I'm dreading it.
That awful feeling of being scared, worried, tired, paranoid and pressured. Thinking about those things that I wasn't able to finish last Friday, anticipating a call I have to make and scared of all the problems that may arise. Fearing that I will again be in the office, with tons of things to do and no idea how to do it. No idea on how to even ask for help when everybody is busy with their own things.
Afraid of the thought of being helpless and clueless. Like being in the middle of the ocean with just a styro board to keep me barely afloat.
For someone who's only just entering into third week of work, is this normal?
Feeling scared is normal, being pressured is to.. but dreading it already?
I do not want to quit by tendering my resignation letter because I will let down my friend, who referred me to my current boss.. If I quit, I will let down my family, my boyfriend and myself.
But it did cross my mind to quit.. by just putting a permanent end to everything.
That awful feeling of being scared, worried, tired, paranoid and pressured. Thinking about those things that I wasn't able to finish last Friday, anticipating a call I have to make and scared of all the problems that may arise. Fearing that I will again be in the office, with tons of things to do and no idea how to do it. No idea on how to even ask for help when everybody is busy with their own things.
Afraid of the thought of being helpless and clueless. Like being in the middle of the ocean with just a styro board to keep me barely afloat.
For someone who's only just entering into third week of work, is this normal?
Feeling scared is normal, being pressured is to.. but dreading it already?
I do not want to quit by tendering my resignation letter because I will let down my friend, who referred me to my current boss.. If I quit, I will let down my family, my boyfriend and myself.
But it did cross my mind to quit.. by just putting a permanent end to everything.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Please Help Me
It's been two weeks since I've moved to a new company.
It hasn't been smooth sailing, and today, I've had my first written compliment and first error. It's the second time I almost cried in the office. And as I went to the toilet, the tears almost burst out.
My nose and eyes became red, so I had to cool myself down.
I'm missing some of the people back in my old job. I'm thinking if I've made the right decision. I'm thinking if this new job means slow death for me, both literally and figuratively speaking. I've been holding my pee in some instances due to urgent things that need to be done. So much that I saw streaks of blood on the tissue.
I've been stressed that I don't even feel like talking to my family because I'm too tired to explain whatever I'm feeling. I have so many complaints, but not enough ears to listen to me.
I know I shouldn't be negative, but I cannot help it when I'm this depressed.
I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't understand a lot of things. People are all in a hurry, and do not have the luxury of teaching me thoroughly.
I have to absorb everything after one time explanation. I mean, of course I can ask and ask, but no matter how many times they repeat it, a jargon is still jargon to me. They all sound alien to me, and I can't understand anymore.
At the end of the day, my desk is always a major mess with piles and piles of paper. I want to be organized, but how? Every few minute there's a fresh instruction. I haven't even finished understanding the first one, and another one pops up.
I'm drowning. This is one of the worst feelings ever.
I'm helpless. I do not know what to do. It's so messy that I don't even know where to start with my questions. I know adjustment periods are meant to be tough, but man, this is just too much.
It's like a running chicken after its head has been chopped off. Running without directions.
Lost. Troubled. Stressed.
It hasn't been smooth sailing, and today, I've had my first written compliment and first error. It's the second time I almost cried in the office. And as I went to the toilet, the tears almost burst out.
My nose and eyes became red, so I had to cool myself down.
I'm missing some of the people back in my old job. I'm thinking if I've made the right decision. I'm thinking if this new job means slow death for me, both literally and figuratively speaking. I've been holding my pee in some instances due to urgent things that need to be done. So much that I saw streaks of blood on the tissue.
I've been stressed that I don't even feel like talking to my family because I'm too tired to explain whatever I'm feeling. I have so many complaints, but not enough ears to listen to me.
I know I shouldn't be negative, but I cannot help it when I'm this depressed.
I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't understand a lot of things. People are all in a hurry, and do not have the luxury of teaching me thoroughly.
I have to absorb everything after one time explanation. I mean, of course I can ask and ask, but no matter how many times they repeat it, a jargon is still jargon to me. They all sound alien to me, and I can't understand anymore.
At the end of the day, my desk is always a major mess with piles and piles of paper. I want to be organized, but how? Every few minute there's a fresh instruction. I haven't even finished understanding the first one, and another one pops up.
I'm drowning. This is one of the worst feelings ever.
I'm helpless. I do not know what to do. It's so messy that I don't even know where to start with my questions. I know adjustment periods are meant to be tough, but man, this is just too much.
It's like a running chicken after its head has been chopped off. Running without directions.
Lost. Troubled. Stressed.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
You Cut Me Deep
My feet got seriously cut by the 2 new pairs of shoes I wore the past week.
All in the name of beauty.
What a Week, What a Week...
The week went by so fast, so slow, so blurred, so complicated, so scary, so educational, so challenging, a bit exciting and super tiring.
It's not the take-it-slow-for-the-first-week and learn-the-ropes-first kind of week. Well, maybe that's true for the first day, but second day onwards was different. I haven't been inputting trades yet because I only got my access on Friday, but all other things I've been tasked to do.
In my first week of work as a newbee, I've already called about 12-15 people, both clients and/or their executive assistants. I've also made calls to bond desk specialists and investment advisors.
It's exciting in a way, but also scary to the highest level because I didn't fully understand what the people were saying. Terms like pump trade, margin, yield limits (for bonds), BVI, notional, accu-deccu, just kept propping up (fyi, I understand these terms now) and people were too busy to immediately guide me. So, I had to force myself to understand them. Or, wait for a chance to bug someone to explain it to me.
Previously, all of us in Premier banking were busy and didn't have much time to talk to other people. But in Private banking, it's twice as bad because people are busy trading or inputting trades, and when they do talk to you, they talk so fast (and in jargon) that it's difficult to really understand.
I know this is a big opportunity for me, and I'm thankful for this blessing. That is why I feel bad that there were a lot of instances when I whined about my work to my brother , boyfriend and some friends.
I will try my best to be positive though, and to just shut my mouth if I feel like complaining... Not verbally complaining is fine with me, but I can still type (via chat) my complaints right?
It's not the take-it-slow-for-the-first-week and learn-the-ropes-first kind of week. Well, maybe that's true for the first day, but second day onwards was different. I haven't been inputting trades yet because I only got my access on Friday, but all other things I've been tasked to do.
In my first week of work as a newbee, I've already called about 12-15 people, both clients and/or their executive assistants. I've also made calls to bond desk specialists and investment advisors.
It's exciting in a way, but also scary to the highest level because I didn't fully understand what the people were saying. Terms like pump trade, margin, yield limits (for bonds), BVI, notional, accu-deccu, just kept propping up (fyi, I understand these terms now) and people were too busy to immediately guide me. So, I had to force myself to understand them. Or, wait for a chance to bug someone to explain it to me.
Previously, all of us in Premier banking were busy and didn't have much time to talk to other people. But in Private banking, it's twice as bad because people are busy trading or inputting trades, and when they do talk to you, they talk so fast (and in jargon) that it's difficult to really understand.
I know this is a big opportunity for me, and I'm thankful for this blessing. That is why I feel bad that there were a lot of instances when I whined about my work to my brother , boyfriend and some friends.
I will try my best to be positive though, and to just shut my mouth if I feel like complaining... Not verbally complaining is fine with me, but I can still type (via chat) my complaints right?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Day 3
I've got blisters on my feet because of my new shoes. It's only been three days, and my new shoes haven't conformed to the shape of my feet yet.
Gulp, at the way things are going, my feet would probably lose all its outer skin by end of this week. It's darn painful too! I cringed with each step I took on my way back home (which was around 9pm). Sigh, the price of beauty.
Anyway, work-wise, it was bad enough to make me teary-eyed at around 430pm. I'm not coping well! I know it's only my 3rd day, and I shouldn't be pressuring myself, but I can't help it!
I'm irritated that I'm not getting a proper training. My partner is on leave until next week, and though another team's associate banker is teaching me, It's just not enough because I need and want full attention!
I'm not faulting anybody, but I just feel it's unfair that 2 weeks would've gone by before my partner returns, and within those 2 weeks, they would've expected me to know more than the basics.
Gulp, at the way things are going, my feet would probably lose all its outer skin by end of this week. It's darn painful too! I cringed with each step I took on my way back home (which was around 9pm). Sigh, the price of beauty.
Anyway, work-wise, it was bad enough to make me teary-eyed at around 430pm. I'm not coping well! I know it's only my 3rd day, and I shouldn't be pressuring myself, but I can't help it!
I'm irritated that I'm not getting a proper training. My partner is on leave until next week, and though another team's associate banker is teaching me, It's just not enough because I need and want full attention!
I'm not faulting anybody, but I just feel it's unfair that 2 weeks would've gone by before my partner returns, and within those 2 weeks, they would've expected me to know more than the basics.
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