Internal Turmoil

It's 2:48pm, Sunday.. Still so early, but the moment I woke up (about 1140+am), I already had that heavy feeling.

I used to dread Mondays, but who doesnt? But it used to strike on Sunday evenings.. never so early.

Why am I feeling this?

I'm so sad, I want to cry, I feel so alone.

I don't want to tell anybody else, less they think I'm too negative.

But I don't want this anymore. I feel so alone in the office, I have limited knowledge, I don't know who to turn to. Everybody gives me jargoned answers, and with that impatient tone.

I'm always so tensed, my muscles all bunched up. I get calls whenever, and even on evenings and Saturdays. I am always so scared of doing something wrong, especially since knowing they can't tolerate any mistakes.

I don't even have the urge to make friends with anybody. I just want to be alone always, and not have any other attachments.

Not Cut Out

I'm starting to think about my work, and starting to ponder if I'm really not cut out for this. Why do I feel such heaviness whenever I'm work. As in, my shoulders are all bunched up , and my muscles are very tense.

My eyes are dry and unclear after a days work, and worse of all, my spirits are low.

Just this week alone, I had to go to Orchard twice for lunch just to get away from it all. That's 4 stations and about 20 minutes of total walk, just to get something to eat.

I miss feeling significant. I hate feeling dumb. I miss being in the comfort zone. I hate the daily struggle to understand things and to unencrypt all those encrypted codes and jargons.

I hate looking stupid when I'm merely following actions. I hate the stress of trying not to make any mistakes because it's not allowed. I hate making calls. I super hate answering calls, especially when I'm doing something.

I love the thought that the salary is big. I love the thought that people think I've levelled up.
I love the thought that I should be very proud of myself.

You see, it's a balance of the good and bad.. but the thing is, sometimes I really think I can't take it much longer. But., this was also what I thought before right? But I stayed there for 2 plus years.

Sometimes, I want to give up and kill myself to get away from it. You see, I'm a coward. I cannot quit without reason, I cannot let other people down.

Sometimes, I walk out of the office feeling a bit contented, but generally proud of myself.

I'm hating this feeling. But I need to be strong. I have to believe that it's just a phase.

A Good Week. Clap Clap Clap

This was a good workweek because:

1.) It's only a 4-day workweek because Friday was a Singapore holiday (Deepavali)

2.) On Wednesday, after I have painsakingly updated my excel masterfile on client's investments, I called a client to discuss about one of her recent trades. Then, she asked about her older investments, a structured product (ROCA of DAIM+BAI+SIE) and I was able to answer her. I explained to her the details, and explained it with full confidence. It felt sooo good! and I was soo proud of myself!

Why???

I don't understand why I'm not happy, when I really should be.

The logical side of me knows how blessed I am to be in a position that other service-oriented people are longing for. It's not easy to get into private banking, and a reputable one too.

I'm at the phase of my life when I can buy things I like, go to places where I want to go (er, I mean within Singapore), and I can eat whatever I want, no matter the price (but with a certain cap). I have a good family, not the traditional one, but in my eyes it's perfect. I have a boyfriend whom I've been with for almost 6 years (that says a lot, considering it's a long distance thingy).

But why am I not happy? Why am I reluctant to go to work? There's this resistance within me that is so strong that I can't even bring myself to leave a water jug in the office. It's like I don't want a piece of my belonging there.

I'm a crazy person. Crazy! somebody help me!

A Better Week

This week was slightly better, as I learn more and was able to talk to clients with a little bit more confidence.

It's better.. but still, I'm having doubts if my brain and heart can take the pressure in the long run.

It's difficult. You see, I'm dealing with high end private banking clients, which means they are trading in larger amounts, which means any mistake I make will mean a big loss .. and at the same time, I'm still learning the processes and products, while trying to project professionalism.

Jia you.. I can do it. For my honour, and for the money.

Not So Newbie Anymore

I've been working for 20 days already! Which means, I've completed a month.

I'm not so new anymore, and I couldn't use 'I'm new' as an excuse anymore.

Now I can only say 'I'm a bit new'.

--
It has been an exciting week for me.

I had my first major boo-boo and my first ever booked trade.

Boo-boo:Instead of buying 200,000 of shares, I sold it! After a few seconds, I called the trader back in hopes of cancelling the trade. But, it was too late. The only remedy was to put an order to buy back the same number of shares at the same price (to offset). However, the stock price for that particular equity picked up, so we were able to buy it back at .0013 higher. Seems little, but that .00 something meant a bank loss of AUD260. And, the loss was considered minimal, only because it was a small trade. Imagine if it were millions of shares. Gulp!

First trade: I called a client to explain about a product (though he's already familiar with it). Then, he booked USD100k! It felt sooo good! And I was so happy! It really was a different feeling.

All in all, it was a good week. I think I've finally received s0me kind of acceptance from my colleagues. I think they see me as someone with potential, because this week, I felt I was part of the team.

I hope I will learn faster, I can't wait!

Three Weeks Old

I've been on my new job for 3 weeks! So fast... it really is. It seemed like time just whoosed pass.

This week was a bit better. Monday and Tuesday was still bad, but Wednesday onwards was better.

I tried to change my disposition, to think positive and follow the 'Just for today principle'. It seems to be working.

Either that, or I'm just excited because I'm watching the Hossan Leong show. Anticipating something is always a good thing. It makes the days more tolerable.

Workwise, I'm learning more and more products

I still have those barely-floating-in-the-deep-sea moments. When I have only myself to rely on. That and asking bits and pieces from other people (I'm not the questioning type you see). It's very difficult, very frustrating, but at the end of the day, once I get it.. it's very rewarding too.