Not Cut Out

I'm starting to think about my work, and starting to ponder if I'm really not cut out for this. Why do I feel such heaviness whenever I'm work. As in, my shoulders are all bunched up , and my muscles are very tense.

My eyes are dry and unclear after a days work, and worse of all, my spirits are low.

Just this week alone, I had to go to Orchard twice for lunch just to get away from it all. That's 4 stations and about 20 minutes of total walk, just to get something to eat.

I miss feeling significant. I hate feeling dumb. I miss being in the comfort zone. I hate the daily struggle to understand things and to unencrypt all those encrypted codes and jargons.

I hate looking stupid when I'm merely following actions. I hate the stress of trying not to make any mistakes because it's not allowed. I hate making calls. I super hate answering calls, especially when I'm doing something.

I love the thought that the salary is big. I love the thought that people think I've levelled up.
I love the thought that I should be very proud of myself.

You see, it's a balance of the good and bad.. but the thing is, sometimes I really think I can't take it much longer. But., this was also what I thought before right? But I stayed there for 2 plus years.

Sometimes, I want to give up and kill myself to get away from it. You see, I'm a coward. I cannot quit without reason, I cannot let other people down.

Sometimes, I walk out of the office feeling a bit contented, but generally proud of myself.

I'm hating this feeling. But I need to be strong. I have to believe that it's just a phase.