I Made Money

I earned my keep for this month's salary.

I helped the Bank make about EUR3000 this week! Hooray.

My RM and Investment Advisor are both away, so no choice.. I had to do it, because in private bank, RMs don't help co-RMs to sell.

I sold ROFC, accumulator and bonds. Not to the same client, mind you.

I traded with 3 or 4 clients. Hee. Great feeling. Atleast the salary they're paying me this month is well worth it. I earned it, dude.

Cannot Make It One

Today was one of my most hands-on days.

I sold and bought bonds for my client. Sold 1 structured product, and even answered questions regarding client's EUR Call structure.

I think it's because of too much brain usage that I'm now feeling sick. Literally sick. My throat is dry, my bones are tired and achy, at one point my ears were also blocked. My neck is painful and I feel that my heart is weak, and I get all quivery.

I really really don't know if I can make it in this environment. It's too stressful! And I still don't understand a lot of things. I keep learning things the hard and humiliating way - like I'd appear stupid first before I finally finish the task.

The past few days, I realised that I'm just thru with working as an employee. I think I'd like to start a business. But I have no idea what.

Geez, if the salary is not so big, I wouldn't be too stressed about deciding to leave or stay. And, as I hear people wanting to come here and work, it just makes me feel weird to want to go home, when I have this steady salary, cool home and bunch of friends to hang out with.

Aaaargh.. I'm going to collapse soon!

Internal Turmoil

It's 2:48pm, Sunday.. Still so early, but the moment I woke up (about 1140+am), I already had that heavy feeling.

I used to dread Mondays, but who doesnt? But it used to strike on Sunday evenings.. never so early.

Why am I feeling this?

I'm so sad, I want to cry, I feel so alone.

I don't want to tell anybody else, less they think I'm too negative.

But I don't want this anymore. I feel so alone in the office, I have limited knowledge, I don't know who to turn to. Everybody gives me jargoned answers, and with that impatient tone.

I'm always so tensed, my muscles all bunched up. I get calls whenever, and even on evenings and Saturdays. I am always so scared of doing something wrong, especially since knowing they can't tolerate any mistakes.

I don't even have the urge to make friends with anybody. I just want to be alone always, and not have any other attachments.

Not Cut Out

I'm starting to think about my work, and starting to ponder if I'm really not cut out for this. Why do I feel such heaviness whenever I'm work. As in, my shoulders are all bunched up , and my muscles are very tense.

My eyes are dry and unclear after a days work, and worse of all, my spirits are low.

Just this week alone, I had to go to Orchard twice for lunch just to get away from it all. That's 4 stations and about 20 minutes of total walk, just to get something to eat.

I miss feeling significant. I hate feeling dumb. I miss being in the comfort zone. I hate the daily struggle to understand things and to unencrypt all those encrypted codes and jargons.

I hate looking stupid when I'm merely following actions. I hate the stress of trying not to make any mistakes because it's not allowed. I hate making calls. I super hate answering calls, especially when I'm doing something.

I love the thought that the salary is big. I love the thought that people think I've levelled up.
I love the thought that I should be very proud of myself.

You see, it's a balance of the good and bad.. but the thing is, sometimes I really think I can't take it much longer. But., this was also what I thought before right? But I stayed there for 2 plus years.

Sometimes, I want to give up and kill myself to get away from it. You see, I'm a coward. I cannot quit without reason, I cannot let other people down.

Sometimes, I walk out of the office feeling a bit contented, but generally proud of myself.

I'm hating this feeling. But I need to be strong. I have to believe that it's just a phase.

A Good Week. Clap Clap Clap

This was a good workweek because:

1.) It's only a 4-day workweek because Friday was a Singapore holiday (Deepavali)

2.) On Wednesday, after I have painsakingly updated my excel masterfile on client's investments, I called a client to discuss about one of her recent trades. Then, she asked about her older investments, a structured product (ROCA of DAIM+BAI+SIE) and I was able to answer her. I explained to her the details, and explained it with full confidence. It felt sooo good! and I was soo proud of myself!

Why???

I don't understand why I'm not happy, when I really should be.

The logical side of me knows how blessed I am to be in a position that other service-oriented people are longing for. It's not easy to get into private banking, and a reputable one too.

I'm at the phase of my life when I can buy things I like, go to places where I want to go (er, I mean within Singapore), and I can eat whatever I want, no matter the price (but with a certain cap). I have a good family, not the traditional one, but in my eyes it's perfect. I have a boyfriend whom I've been with for almost 6 years (that says a lot, considering it's a long distance thingy).

But why am I not happy? Why am I reluctant to go to work? There's this resistance within me that is so strong that I can't even bring myself to leave a water jug in the office. It's like I don't want a piece of my belonging there.

I'm a crazy person. Crazy! somebody help me!