I Made Money

I earned my keep for this month's salary.

I helped the Bank make about EUR3000 this week! Hooray.

My RM and Investment Advisor are both away, so no choice.. I had to do it, because in private bank, RMs don't help co-RMs to sell.

I sold ROFC, accumulator and bonds. Not to the same client, mind you.

I traded with 3 or 4 clients. Hee. Great feeling. Atleast the salary they're paying me this month is well worth it. I earned it, dude.

Cannot Make It One

Today was one of my most hands-on days.

I sold and bought bonds for my client. Sold 1 structured product, and even answered questions regarding client's EUR Call structure.

I think it's because of too much brain usage that I'm now feeling sick. Literally sick. My throat is dry, my bones are tired and achy, at one point my ears were also blocked. My neck is painful and I feel that my heart is weak, and I get all quivery.

I really really don't know if I can make it in this environment. It's too stressful! And I still don't understand a lot of things. I keep learning things the hard and humiliating way - like I'd appear stupid first before I finally finish the task.

The past few days, I realised that I'm just thru with working as an employee. I think I'd like to start a business. But I have no idea what.

Geez, if the salary is not so big, I wouldn't be too stressed about deciding to leave or stay. And, as I hear people wanting to come here and work, it just makes me feel weird to want to go home, when I have this steady salary, cool home and bunch of friends to hang out with.

Aaaargh.. I'm going to collapse soon!

Internal Turmoil

It's 2:48pm, Sunday.. Still so early, but the moment I woke up (about 1140+am), I already had that heavy feeling.

I used to dread Mondays, but who doesnt? But it used to strike on Sunday evenings.. never so early.

Why am I feeling this?

I'm so sad, I want to cry, I feel so alone.

I don't want to tell anybody else, less they think I'm too negative.

But I don't want this anymore. I feel so alone in the office, I have limited knowledge, I don't know who to turn to. Everybody gives me jargoned answers, and with that impatient tone.

I'm always so tensed, my muscles all bunched up. I get calls whenever, and even on evenings and Saturdays. I am always so scared of doing something wrong, especially since knowing they can't tolerate any mistakes.

I don't even have the urge to make friends with anybody. I just want to be alone always, and not have any other attachments.

Not Cut Out

I'm starting to think about my work, and starting to ponder if I'm really not cut out for this. Why do I feel such heaviness whenever I'm work. As in, my shoulders are all bunched up , and my muscles are very tense.

My eyes are dry and unclear after a days work, and worse of all, my spirits are low.

Just this week alone, I had to go to Orchard twice for lunch just to get away from it all. That's 4 stations and about 20 minutes of total walk, just to get something to eat.

I miss feeling significant. I hate feeling dumb. I miss being in the comfort zone. I hate the daily struggle to understand things and to unencrypt all those encrypted codes and jargons.

I hate looking stupid when I'm merely following actions. I hate the stress of trying not to make any mistakes because it's not allowed. I hate making calls. I super hate answering calls, especially when I'm doing something.

I love the thought that the salary is big. I love the thought that people think I've levelled up.
I love the thought that I should be very proud of myself.

You see, it's a balance of the good and bad.. but the thing is, sometimes I really think I can't take it much longer. But., this was also what I thought before right? But I stayed there for 2 plus years.

Sometimes, I want to give up and kill myself to get away from it. You see, I'm a coward. I cannot quit without reason, I cannot let other people down.

Sometimes, I walk out of the office feeling a bit contented, but generally proud of myself.

I'm hating this feeling. But I need to be strong. I have to believe that it's just a phase.

A Good Week. Clap Clap Clap

This was a good workweek because:

1.) It's only a 4-day workweek because Friday was a Singapore holiday (Deepavali)

2.) On Wednesday, after I have painsakingly updated my excel masterfile on client's investments, I called a client to discuss about one of her recent trades. Then, she asked about her older investments, a structured product (ROCA of DAIM+BAI+SIE) and I was able to answer her. I explained to her the details, and explained it with full confidence. It felt sooo good! and I was soo proud of myself!

Why???

I don't understand why I'm not happy, when I really should be.

The logical side of me knows how blessed I am to be in a position that other service-oriented people are longing for. It's not easy to get into private banking, and a reputable one too.

I'm at the phase of my life when I can buy things I like, go to places where I want to go (er, I mean within Singapore), and I can eat whatever I want, no matter the price (but with a certain cap). I have a good family, not the traditional one, but in my eyes it's perfect. I have a boyfriend whom I've been with for almost 6 years (that says a lot, considering it's a long distance thingy).

But why am I not happy? Why am I reluctant to go to work? There's this resistance within me that is so strong that I can't even bring myself to leave a water jug in the office. It's like I don't want a piece of my belonging there.

I'm a crazy person. Crazy! somebody help me!

A Better Week

This week was slightly better, as I learn more and was able to talk to clients with a little bit more confidence.

It's better.. but still, I'm having doubts if my brain and heart can take the pressure in the long run.

It's difficult. You see, I'm dealing with high end private banking clients, which means they are trading in larger amounts, which means any mistake I make will mean a big loss .. and at the same time, I'm still learning the processes and products, while trying to project professionalism.

Jia you.. I can do it. For my honour, and for the money.

Not So Newbie Anymore

I've been working for 20 days already! Which means, I've completed a month.

I'm not so new anymore, and I couldn't use 'I'm new' as an excuse anymore.

Now I can only say 'I'm a bit new'.

--
It has been an exciting week for me.

I had my first major boo-boo and my first ever booked trade.

Boo-boo:Instead of buying 200,000 of shares, I sold it! After a few seconds, I called the trader back in hopes of cancelling the trade. But, it was too late. The only remedy was to put an order to buy back the same number of shares at the same price (to offset). However, the stock price for that particular equity picked up, so we were able to buy it back at .0013 higher. Seems little, but that .00 something meant a bank loss of AUD260. And, the loss was considered minimal, only because it was a small trade. Imagine if it were millions of shares. Gulp!

First trade: I called a client to explain about a product (though he's already familiar with it). Then, he booked USD100k! It felt sooo good! And I was so happy! It really was a different feeling.

All in all, it was a good week. I think I've finally received s0me kind of acceptance from my colleagues. I think they see me as someone with potential, because this week, I felt I was part of the team.

I hope I will learn faster, I can't wait!

Three Weeks Old

I've been on my new job for 3 weeks! So fast... it really is. It seemed like time just whoosed pass.

This week was a bit better. Monday and Tuesday was still bad, but Wednesday onwards was better.

I tried to change my disposition, to think positive and follow the 'Just for today principle'. It seems to be working.

Either that, or I'm just excited because I'm watching the Hossan Leong show. Anticipating something is always a good thing. It makes the days more tolerable.

Workwise, I'm learning more and more products

I still have those barely-floating-in-the-deep-sea moments. When I have only myself to rely on. That and asking bits and pieces from other people (I'm not the questioning type you see). It's very difficult, very frustrating, but at the end of the day, once I get it.. it's very rewarding too.

Better

Today was a bit better in the office.

Still stressed because of all the unknown things. Still irritated with the feeling of being helpless.

Sometimes I just stare at my work. If I'm lucky, I'll understand it eventually.. but if not, then no choice but to ask. Ask and be given an answer which evokes more questions that I could not ask. Why? because everyone's too occupied. If I ask at the wrong time, and I'm given an answer and I don't get it, then it would be difficult to ask it again next time.. because by then, I would be told 'You've asked that before'. Being an egoistic person, I could not take that.

This Awful Feeling

Tomorrow is Monday, and I'm dreading it.

That awful feeling of being scared, worried, tired, paranoid and pressured. Thinking about those things that I wasn't able to finish last Friday, anticipating a call I have to make and scared of all the problems that may arise. Fearing that I will again be in the office, with tons of things to do and no idea how to do it. No idea on how to even ask for help when everybody is busy with their own things.

Afraid of the thought of being helpless and clueless. Like being in the middle of the ocean with just a styro board to keep me barely afloat.

For someone who's only just entering into third week of work, is this normal?

Feeling scared is normal, being pressured is to.. but dreading it already?

I do not want to quit by tendering my resignation letter because I will let down my friend, who referred me to my current boss.. If I quit, I will let down my family, my boyfriend and myself.
But it did cross my mind to quit.. by just putting a permanent end to everything.

Please Help Me

It's been two weeks since I've moved to a new company.

It hasn't been smooth sailing, and today, I've had my first written compliment and first error. It's the second time I almost cried in the office. And as I went to the toilet, the tears almost burst out.

My nose and eyes became red, so I had to cool myself down.

I'm missing some of the people back in my old job. I'm thinking if I've made the right decision. I'm thinking if this new job means slow death for me, both literally and figuratively speaking. I've been holding my pee in some instances due to urgent things that need to be done. So much that I saw streaks of blood on the tissue.

I've been stressed that I don't even feel like talking to my family because I'm too tired to explain whatever I'm feeling. I have so many complaints, but not enough ears to listen to me.

I know I shouldn't be negative, but I cannot help it when I'm this depressed.

I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't understand a lot of things. People are all in a hurry, and do not have the luxury of teaching me thoroughly.

I have to absorb everything after one time explanation. I mean, of course I can ask and ask, but no matter how many times they repeat it, a jargon is still jargon to me. They all sound alien to me, and I can't understand anymore.

At the end of the day, my desk is always a major mess with piles and piles of paper. I want to be organized, but how? Every few minute there's a fresh instruction. I haven't even finished understanding the first one, and another one pops up.

I'm drowning. This is one of the worst feelings ever.

I'm helpless. I do not know what to do. It's so messy that I don't even know where to start with my questions. I know adjustment periods are meant to be tough, but man, this is just too much.

It's like a running chicken after its head has been chopped off. Running without directions.

Lost. Troubled. Stressed.

You Cut Me Deep

My feet got seriously cut by the 2 new pairs of shoes I wore the past week.

All in the name of beauty.

What a Week, What a Week...

The week went by so fast, so slow, so blurred, so complicated, so scary, so educational, so challenging, a bit exciting and super tiring.

It's not the take-it-slow-for-the-first-week and learn-the-ropes-first kind of week. Well, maybe that's true for the first day, but second day onwards was different. I haven't been inputting trades yet because I only got my access on Friday, but all other things I've been tasked to do.

In my first week of work as a newbee, I've already called about 12-15 people, both clients and/or their executive assistants. I've also made calls to bond desk specialists and investment advisors.

It's exciting in a way, but also scary to the highest level because I didn't fully understand what the people were saying. Terms like pump trade, margin, yield limits (for bonds), BVI, notional, accu-deccu, just kept propping up (fyi, I understand these terms now) and people were too busy to immediately guide me. So, I had to force myself to understand them. Or, wait for a chance to bug someone to explain it to me.

Previously, all of us in Premier banking were busy and didn't have much time to talk to other people. But in Private banking, it's twice as bad because people are busy trading or inputting trades, and when they do talk to you, they talk so fast (and in jargon) that it's difficult to really understand.

I know this is a big opportunity for me, and I'm thankful for this blessing. That is why I feel bad that there were a lot of instances when I whined about my work to my brother , boyfriend and some friends.

I will try my best to be positive though, and to just shut my mouth if I feel like complaining... Not verbally complaining is fine with me, but I can still type (via chat) my complaints right?

Day 3

I've got blisters on my feet because of my new shoes. It's only been three days, and my new shoes haven't conformed to the shape of my feet yet.

Gulp, at the way things are going, my feet would probably lose all its outer skin by end of this week. It's darn painful too! I cringed with each step I took on my way back home (which was around 9pm). Sigh, the price of beauty.

Anyway, work-wise, it was bad enough to make me teary-eyed at around 430pm. I'm not coping well! I know it's only my 3rd day, and I shouldn't be pressuring myself, but I can't help it!

I'm irritated that I'm not getting a proper training. My partner is on leave until next week, and though another team's associate banker is teaching me, It's just not enough because I need and want full attention!

I'm not faulting anybody, but I just feel it's unfair that 2 weeks would've gone by before my partner returns, and within those 2 weeks, they would've expected me to know more than the basics.